Why Your Own Recovery Matters When Co-Parenting With a Controlling Ex

After leaving a controlling, toxic, or abusive relationship, many parents focus on survival. Keeping things going, managing contact, and protecting the children. That focus makes sense.

Over time, though, many parents notice something else. Even when the relationship has ended, the impact has not.

Your body still reacts. Your emotions feel close to the surface. Contact with your ex can knock you off balance for hours or days. This is not because you are doing anything wrong. It is because trauma does not end when the relationship ends.

Trauma doesn’t disappear when the abuse stops

In controlling or abusive relationships, your coping systems adapt to survive. You may have learned to stay alert, anticipate problems, manage someone else’s emotions, or override your own needs. Those adaptations were protective at the time.

After separation, they can become exhausting.

You may notice anxiety, emotional shutdown, anger that surprises you, or a constant sense of being on edge. You may feel fine one moment and overwhelmed the next. These are not character flaws. They are signs that your system has been under prolonged control.

Recovery is not about moving on. It is about helping your body and mind relearn safety.

Why your regulation matters for your child

Children do not need perfect parents. They need regulated ones.

When you are emotionally steadier, you become a secure base. Your child can lean on you, co-regulate with you, and recover more easily from their own stress. This does not mean hiding your feelings or pretending everything is fine. It means having enough internal support that your child is not carrying your distress.

When your system is constantly overwhelmed, children often sense it. They may become more anxious, more watchful, or more emotionally reactive themselves. Looking after your own recovery is not selfish. It is one of the most powerful ways to support your child’s wellbeing.

Empowerment is not about being strong all the time

Empowerment after abuse is often misunderstood.

It is not about confidence, positivity, or taking your power back in a dramatic way. It is about rebuilding choice, safety, and trust in yourself. This includes learning how to regulate strong emotions, recognising triggers without judging yourself, setting boundaries without over-explaining, and meeting your own needs alongside your child’s.

Empowerment grows quietly. It shows up as fewer emotional crashes, quicker recovery, and more compassion towards yourself.

You are allowed to have needs too

Many parents minimise their own needs after abuse. They tell themselves others have it worse, or that they need to focus on the children first. But trauma recovery requires your attention too.

Supporting yourself does not take away from your child. It strengthens the environment they grow in. Your needs matter because you matter, not just as a parent, but as a person who has been impacted by prolonged control and stress.

Recovery works best with the right support

Healing from relational trauma is not something most people can do alone, especially while co-parenting with the source of that trauma.

Structured, trauma-informed support can help you understand what is happening in your body and emotions, build practical regulation tools, reduce the impact of ongoing contact, and reconnect with a sense of steadiness and self-trust.

The Renurture recovery programme was created specifically people navigating life after controlling or abusive relationships. It focuses on nervous system regulation, emotional recovery, and empowerment for you and your child. You can learn more at www.renurture.org.

A steady closing thought

You do not need to be fully healed to be a good parent. You just need enough support to keep yourself steady most of the time. Recovery is not about erasing the past. It is about giving yourself what was missing for too long.

When you tend to your own healing, you are not stepping away from your child. You are building the secure base they grow from. And that work matters.