Communication Boundaries With a Complex Ex (& for co-parents)

(And When BIFF Helps — and When It Doesn’t)

After separation, many parents expect communication to become easier. Instead, it often becomes more stressful. Messages feel loaded. Simple logistics turn into conflict. Your body reacts before you have time to think.

This is not because you are bad at communicating. It is because communication itself is being used in a way that causes harm.

With complex or controlling exes, messages are often not about solving problems. They are used to provoke, to pull you into explaining yourself, or to keep emotional access open. In these situations, improving communication skills is not the solution. Stronger communication boundaries are.

The most important boundary: not every message needs a reply

One of the biggest shifts is realising that a response is not always the safest option.

Before replying, pause and ask yourself three questions.

• Is this about the children?

• Is there a clear, practical issue?

• Would silence cause a real problem for the children or for you legally?

If the answer is no, not responding can be a boundary.

Silence is not rude. Silence is not aggressive. Silence is often how the cycle starts to loosen.

Many parents were conditioned in the relationship to respond quickly and explain everything. That habit often kept you safer at the time. It does not need to guide your choices now.

When a response really is necessary

Sometimes you do need to reply.

This might be because there is a genuine logistical issue, information about the children needs to be shared, communication is court-ordered, or non-response could be used against you.

In these cases, the goal is not understanding, fairness, or cooperation. The goal is containment. You are giving the minimum information needed, and no more.

This is where BIFF can help.

What BIFF actually means

BIFF is a way of replying only when a reply is genuinely required, while reducing emotional harm.

It stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

Brief means as short as possible. Informative means facts only. Friendly means neutral, not warm or apologetic. Firm means a clear end point, without opening the door to further discussion.

BIFF is not about being polite or agreeable. It is about limiting emotional access.

A BIFF response does not defend you, explain your reasoning, correct every inaccuracy, or engage with tone or accusations. It delivers the necessary information and stops.

When BIFF is useful

BIFF works best for practical communication.

This includes things like dates and times, handover locations, school information, or health updates. It is also useful when you need a written record that shows you responded without escalating.

A BIFF reply might be as simple as:“Pick-up is at 4pm at the usual place.”

That is enough. Anything more often creates room for conflict.

When BIFF is not the right tool

BIFF is not helpful when messages are abusive, insulting, baiting, or focused on the past. It is also not helpful when the message is clearly trying to provoke an emotional response.

In those situations, even a brief reply can reinforce the pattern. The boundary is not how you reply, but whether you reply at all.

You are allowed to disengage from messages that cause harm and do not relate to the children.

A steadier way to think about communication

Many parents find it helpful to use a simple two-step filter.

First, ask yourself whether a reply is actually needed. If not, pause and step back. Silence can be protective.

Second, if a reply is necessary, use BIFF. Keep it short. Stick to facts. Stay neutral. End the conversation.

This approach reduces emotional exposure and helps communication take up less space in your life.

A gentle reminder

If communication with your ex feels overwhelming, that does not mean you are failing. It means the situation is genuinely difficult.

You are allowed to protect your energy. You are allowed to respond less.

You are allowed to keep things simple.

Good communication boundaries are not about being perfect. They are about keeping yourself and your children safer, one message at a time.